i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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