The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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