Just took my morning after pill in the library
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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