If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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