If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
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