i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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