and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
