Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
