if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
