Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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