I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
he fucked my hip out of place.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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