And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
