Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
