So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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