I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
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In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
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I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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