sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
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