woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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