Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Randomize
