While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
She's the barista slut.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I deserve this hangover.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
