stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
