found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
