We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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