My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
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If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
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I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
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