apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize