You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
You brought string cheese to the strip club
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
