I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
