He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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