this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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