You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Randomize
