He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
