apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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