when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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