i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
the raccoons are back...
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