He kissed a someone with a penis
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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