If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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