End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
