Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
This toilet bowl is my home.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
