Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
