nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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