it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
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