My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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