sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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