college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
