??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
