the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
