Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
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Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
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He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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