Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Randomize
