On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Randomize
