I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
