I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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