Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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