WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
