the condom got lost in my hair
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Randomize
