Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
